The Great Weird Al Word Count

Word Crimes

Everybody shut up
Everybody listen up
Hey, hey hey... hey, hey hey... hey, hey hey...
(Turn me up)

If you can't write in the proper way
If you don't know how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class, and maybe now you find
That people mock you online
(Everybody wise up!)

Okay, now here's the deal... I'll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions
Literacy's your mission

And that's why I think it's a good time
To learn some grammar (What?!)
Now did I stammer? Work on that grammar
You should know when
It's "less" or it's "fewer"
Like people who were never raised in a sewer
I hate these word crimes
Like "I could care less"
That means you do care, at least a little
Don't be a moron
You better slow down and use the right pronoun
Show the world you're no clown (Everybody wise up!)

Say you've got an I-T followed by apostrophe S
Now what does that mean?
You would not use "it's" in this case as a possessive (no, no no)
It's a contraction (yeah, yeah, yeah)
What's a contraction?
(Well, it's the shortening of a word or a group of words by the omission of a sound or letter)

Okay, now here's some notes:
Syntax you're always mangling
No "X" in espresso
Your participle's dangling
But I don't want your drama
If you really wanna, leave out that Oxford comma

Just keep in mind that be, see, are, you...
Are words, not letters
Get it together, use your spell-checker
You should never
Write words using numbers
Unless you're seven, or your name is Prince (Everybody wise up!)
I hate these word crimes (hate them crimes)
You really need a full-time proofreader (I mean those crimes)
You dumb mouth-breather
Well, you should hire
Some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish What is proper English? (Everybody wise up!)

One thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence too
Always say "to whom"; don't ever say "to who"
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade; hope you can tell
If you're doing good or doing well
Figure out the difference
Irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
'Bout what's figurative and what's literal
Oh, but just now (just now) you said (you said)
You "literally couldn't get out of bed" (what?)
That really makes me want to literally
Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail
It's quite apparent your grammar's errant
You're incoherent
Saw your blog post
It's really fantastic
That was sarcastic... (oh, psych) 'cause you write like a spastic
I hate these word crimes (Everybody wise up!)
Your prose is dopey (hey)
Think you should only write in emoji
Oh, you're a lost cause (hey, hey, hey, hey)
Go back to pre-school, get out of the gene pool (hey, hey, hey)
Try your best to not drool

Never mind, I give up
Really now, I give up

[Fade . . .]